Infidelity doesn’t have to be the end of everything.
By Vanessa Gore | Relationship Wellness Guide
Rebuilding a relationship after conflict, betrayal, or infidelity is one of the most emotionally challenging journeys two people can face. You may be asking yourself, “How do we heal after cheating? Can we even heal? Should we fix this?” or “How can I ever trust them again after they cheated on me?”. But there’s hope—and structure. Drs. John and Julie Gottman have spent decades researching what makes relationships succeed or fail. Their science-backed methods offer not only healing but transformation.
This blog post blends insights and summaries from three core Gottman-based resources and video interviews to present:
- 7 Habits of Happy Couples
- 3 Phases of Infidelity Recovery
- How to Rebuild Trust, Love, and Intimacy After Betrayal
Whether you’re healing from a painful rupture or simply want to strengthen your connection, these tools provide a roadmap to deeper love, and yes, even after conflict and infidelity these are possible.
🌱 1. Enhance Your Love Maps
What It Is: Deeply knowing your partner’s inner world: fears, dreams, joys, stressors (Gottman & Silver, 1999).
Why It Matters: The stronger your emotional knowledge, the more resilient your connection during conflict or crisis.
How-To:
- Ask open-ended questions: “What’s been weighing on your mind lately?”
- Update your Love Maps monthly—stress, favorites, goals.
- Use quizzes, journaling, and regular check-ins.
Healing Tip: In recovery, Love Map building helps couples see each other as whole, evolving individuals beyond the affair.
💗 2. Nurture Fondness & Admiration
What It Is: Regular expressions of appreciation and respect (Gottman & Silver, 1999).
Why It Matters: Positive sentiment acts as a buffer during conflict, softening defenses and keeping affection alive.
How-To:
- Share 3 sincere appreciations daily.
- Recall why you fell in love—journal and discuss.
- Celebrate small wins and effort.
Healing Tip: Fondness rituals rewire your brain toward compassion and forgiveness, especially after betrayal.
🔁 3. Turn Toward Each Other (Not Away)
What It Is: Responding to “bids” for attention, connection, or affection (Gottman, 2011).
Why It Matters: Small daily moments build trust and emotional safety.
How-To:
- Notice subtle cues: sighs, texts, eye contact.
- Reply with interest: “I’m listening.” “Tell me more.”
- Track your response rate; aim for 80% of bids met.
Healing Tip: After infidelity, this habit rebuilds emotional intimacy minute by minute. Positive reactions vs negative reactions during conflict should be at least 5:1 – out of conflict you want to aim more for 20:1.
⚖️ 4. Let Your Partner Influence You
What It Is: Valuing your partner’s opinions, emotions, and contributions (Gottman & Silver, 1999).
Why It Matters: Relationships thrive when power is shared and decisions are mutual.
How-To:
- Ask: “What do you think?” before deciding.
- Practice compromise.
- Avoid stonewalling or dismissiveness.
Healing Tip: Rebuilding trust involves showing you want your partner’s voice in your life.
🛠️ 5. Solve Your Solvable Problems
What It Is: Managing day-to-day disagreements effectively (Gottman & Silver, 1999).
Why It Matters: Conflict isn’t the enemy—how you handle it is.
How-To (Gottman 5-Step Model):
- Soft Start-Up – Gentle tone, “I” statements.
- Repair Attempts – Humor, touch, kind gestures.
- Self-Soothing – Take 20-minute cool-downs.
- Compromise – Identify flexible vs. core needs.
- Accept Influence – Tolerate imperfections.
Healing Tip: Practice navigating minor disagreements to build the skills needed for deeper repairs.
🌪️ 6. Overcome Gridlock
What It Is: Addressing recurring, unresolved conflicts rooted in core values or dreams (Gottman, 2011).
Why It Matters: Gridlock causes resentment and distance—but it’s usually about deeper meaning.
How-To:
- Identify the dream or fear beneath the argument.
- Take turns listening without judgment.
- Validate even if you disagree: “That makes sense to me.”
Healing Tip: Affairs often reflect ignored emotional needs. This process helps partners understand the why beneath the pain.
🔗 7. Create Shared Meaning
What It Is: Building rituals, traditions, values, and symbols that define your unique connection (Gottman & Silver, 1999).
Why It Matters: Shared purpose makes couples resilient, especially in crisis.
How-To:
- Invent or revive rituals: Sunday walks, bedtime hugs.
- Share stories and future goals.
- Define couple identity: “We’re a team that…”
Healing Tip: Creating shared meaning after betrayal helps couples feel united again—not just surviving, but evolving.
💔 Recovering from Infidelity: The 3-Phase Gottman Model
Phase 1: Atonement & Transparency
- Full disclosure of the affair: what, when, where, how (Gottman & Gottman, 2017).
- Express remorse and answer questions openly.
- No deflection, justification, or minimization.
Phase 2: Accountability & Trust Building
- End all contact with affair partner.
- Use transparency tools: open phones, shared calendars.
- Respond non-defensively to emotional questions.
- Engage in ongoing therapy or guided reflection.
Phase 3: Reconnection & Meaning-Making
- Practice daily rituals of connection (bids, appreciations).
- Rebuild sex and affection only with emotional safety.
- Address root issues with compassion, not blame.
- Redefine shared identity post-infidelity.
📘 Final Words: Relationships Are Built, Not Found
Gottman’s approach isn’t about “fixing” your partner or forcing forgiveness. It’s about building something new, together.
Healing from infidelity and conflict is hard—but with the right habits, tools, and heart-led commitment, your relationship can emerge not just intact, but transformed. Yes, infidelity is a real thing in the polyamorous world just as much as it is in monogamous relationships. Learn the tools and the best way to communicate during this time to heal from the infidelity, rebuild trust, and build a better foundation for a long term healthy relationship.
You deserve a love built on truth, resilience, and joy.
If you would like to chat with me to see if we would be a good fit to work together for individual and/or partner therapy/couples – feel free to make an appointment with me for a 30-minute FREE consultation here. You can also check out my website to read all the many FAQs I get asked a lot, check out more blogs, learn about pricing, and learn about the (repeatable!) referral program! I look forward to meeting you, and I hope this information has been helpful.
📚 References
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.
Gottman, J. M. (2011). The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples. W. W. Norton & Company.
Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2017). What Makes Love Last? How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal. Simon & Schuster.
