Welcome to the world of ENM (ethical non-monogamy); or as some call it CNM (consensual non-monogamy)! This change is often super exciting while also feeling absolutely terrifying for so many reasons. I have seen many switch from monogamy to ENM and wonder, “where do I start?” Before you (or your partner if you are already married or dating someone who either is or isn’t switching from monogamy to ENM with you) interact with another person outside your relationship, it’s a REALLY good idea to talk about boundaries, why both of you are really doing this (I mean DEEP down), and have a system in place for weekly check-ins and what do to when one or both of you are having a hard time. Remember – to stay ethical, consent is required!
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” ~ This Chinese proverb is an example of personal initiative, and suggests that you can start a journey by taking one step at a time.
ENM is the umbrella that covers a multitude of lifestyles and relationships, it is not just being polyamorous. For example, it includes swingers, open relationships, BDSM, monogamish, etc; and there are different types of polyamories, too: hierarchical polyamory, non-hierarchical polyamory, polyfidelity, solo polyamory, etc. Some people in the community will insist that there is only one “right way” to be something and will even shame certain groups within the community because of this prejudice. The louder someone is about this, the more hurt they’ve been in the past over it. So, remember to always be kind, and if someone tries to shame you or make you feel uncomfortable, set a boundary with them and move on because they have a lot of healing left to do – and that’s on them, not you. There is no one way, right way, whatever way of being who you are and living the lifestyle that makes you and your polycule happy. The ONLY thing that matters, is that it is ethical; which means everyone is aware, everyone is consenting, and everyone is on the same page. Everything else can be worked on as a unit, and individually, whatever that looks like for you and your tribe.
Unfortunately, you will begin to notice that there are a TON of people in every community, every nook and cranny under this umbrella that are in desperate need of healing. ENM is one of the fastest ways to find out what your triggers are (or what other’s triggers are), and where your weak points are in your own healing journey. That’s because it takes vulnerability, honesty, mutual respect and gratitude as well as communication and compromise to have a healthy relationship – but it takes all that and boundaries, constant check ins and reassurance, listening with empathy, learning how to “argue” the right way, and constantly re-evaluating yourself to make multiple relationships work. Staying aware of yourself, your needs, your emotions, emotional regulation, while also being aware of your surroundings and keeping a clear head during high emotional times (especially in the NRE stages of relationships) is imperative to keep you and your partners safe. There are a lot of predators, narcissists, hurt people, and unhealed people out there looking for enmeshment, codependency, control, and victims.
Going from mono to poly is already really hard because you are having to unlearn a lot of social norms, cultural expectations, and religious norms; on top of handling personal and partner issues that may still stem from childhood traumas or previous relationships; on top of relearning how to emotionally regulate yourself and your partner. Doing all that with an established partner can be doubly hard because they are “used to” a lot of things that will change. More so, just as you will learn many of your triggers and activators, it will become apparent what your partners are as well. The important part during this time is to communicate effectively – do not criticize, shame, blame, get defensive, or stone-wall/cold shoulder it. Actively listen to what your other partner is saying, encourage them to share their feelings and fears. Use these things to reconnect, dig deeper and find the needs and fears that are associated with these feelings, what triggers them, and how best to reassure and care for them when they are activated. Then as a team you can work together to remove triggers by building a stronger foundation of trust and honesty, support and vulnerability.
“Communication sometimes is not what you first hear, listen not just to the words, but listen for the reason.” ~ Catherine Pulsifer.
I also suggest you both do some research on the different types of ENM, read some books (“Polysecure” and the “Ethical Slut” are great starts). I would also come up with safe words/code words for if you are around others or even if it’s just too hard to speak, to let the other know that something is wrong, need to talk and have reassurance. This helps you guys have a united front, especially when you are out in public – it creates opportunities to build trust and practice providing a safe space. Before ever trying to add another partner, everyone already involved should feel safe sharing their feelings and needs without fear or worry of reactions, abandonment/rejection, or it being used against them later as ammo.
A few conversations need to be had about how you both feel about seeing the other with someone else or knowing they will be with someone else. Many guys that come through my office wanted what they thought was “unlimited stream of guiltless poon” but didn’t realize that it also meant their partner would be sexually active with someone else too or that the “poon” would have feelings and expectations. Or one partner will have suggested opening the relationship to “fix” cheating (you can still cheat in polyamory, so this is a whole field of red flags on its own). Then someone usually gets envious and jealous; can’t emotionally regulate; causes multiple scenes until someone says they didn’t really want to in the first place and they just did it to make the other happy; and they end up in a rift so big they can’t mend it and break up OR they stay together a little longer to “try” and it ends up as ammo to use in arguments.
More so, if all the talks are had, the research is done, the boundaries are made, and the communication stays open – it also needs to be open and honest with the metas as well. If all he is looking for is sex/swinging; then he needs to be upfront about that to anyone he talks to. He should also be aware and not get upset that they will usually want to see his most recent copy of his clean bill of health (for some, not all, it’s a preference not a requirement, but it is good practice to be honest regardless). And learning to let go of the idea of control of another person will be hard- everyone is their own autonomous individual and in poly we love them, we don’t own them or control them (BDSM is a whole other talk); so things like “veto” power or unicorn/dragon hunting are usually looked down on in poly communities; but again, that is a whole other talk we’ll have).
“The authentic self is the soul made visible.” ~ Sarah Ban Breathnach.
Don’t mask to attract, that always fails – be your true authentic self so your tribe can find you.
For YOU, please be careful, as there are also a LOT of narcissists in the poly world due to its basic nature. Keep your boundaries, don’t ignore or let red flags slide, and protect your drinks and self when you go out. Have safety check ins with someone that is your ride or die, will come to you no matter where you are and will check in on you; and I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH: TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS!!! Our intuition is hardly wrong when we learn to listen to it, and the “vibes” being off is a real and scientifically accurate thing, everyone has a frequency, and they change based on intent and mood. If something feels off, uneasy, not quite right – LEAVE. Do not force yourself to fix someone or something, do not let them guilt or shame you into doing or being something that is not okay with you – and that sounds easy, but you’ll be surprised how subtle they can be, and how easy you can fall into those kinds of traps – ESPECIALLY if you are a kindhearted person.
Lastly, finding a poly-aware therapist in your state is not a bad idea, they can help you work through initial issues, trauma that effects your relationships or sense of self; teach you how to communicate, make and hold boundaries, how to argue the right way (it’s a thing lol) and help you become aware of maladaptive old thinking patterns that don’t serve you anymore while helping you learn new toolkits and ways of thinking to help keep you calm and emotionally regulate.
Good luck! Be safe and remember that you are not alone in this. Join communities of like minded individuals so you can ask questions, opinions, lurk and learn – whatever your preference is.
